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Diary 3: 25th Aug 2006 As
days goes by and days turns to week and weeks to month I realized how complete it
makes me feel especially to be with Nuel - to be able to nurture him and love
him. I'd rather be with him all day long no matter what the challenges.
My heart longs to see him-be with him even if I have to leave him for
just a
while. I'm embarrassed but I have to admit this that I'm almost in tears
few times that I've been away from him. How I wish I don't have to leave him, that
I could always cuddle him in my arms and watch his every move and his
every expression.
Now that he started to smile and make some cue it even makes it harder
for me. I know and I was aware that every mother loves their children
but nothing prepares me for this feeling. Even if thousands of books
were written about these feelings, I doubt it would ever fully express my deep
feelings for our son Nuel. He looks at me in such a way that melt my
heart - as if to say "mom I'm glad you took such good care of me and love
me the way you and dad do". He is no doubt the apple of our eye. All my
past hobbies and the things that I love to do doesn't matter a bit any
more. We are the happiest and proudest parent. This makes life worth living
and makes us a complete family which we longed for. I thank God the almighty for the gift of IMMANUEL in our
life - making us a complete and a happy family. |
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Diary 2: 15th Aug 2006
Here at home, even as I experience this new found joy I was also
aware that with this joy comes
responsibilities not to mention the physical pain that I would still had to endure
as I recuperate.
My joy however overshadowed my fears and pains and I see everything in a new
light. Suddenly, life has so much purpose and there is so many things to
live for and now I see them clearly than I used to. Everything revolve
around Immanuel and every decision we now make is done always bearing
him in mind. watching him grow and taking care of him, I enjoy each day
and before I know, its almost time to head back for work. How am I going
to
leave him behind and how could I possibly focus on my job? Is it fair
for my little angel, or to myself and to my employer? Well in life, there
is no answer to all the questions and I guess there are more questions
than answers. |
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Diary 1: 9th Aug 2006
A day I will never forget as long as I live-Immanuel was born on 5th
August 2006 at 09:39am at Thomson Medical Center, Singapore weighing a healthy 4.010gms.
This
was no doubt the happiest day of my life. As I hear him wail I don't
know how, but my tears was quick to response with this immense sense of
joy that is indescribable. Hubby was beside me thru all these ordeal and
I don't know where he learnt but I'm surprised he handled me and himself
so well for a first time father. I can see him smile with joy as he
joined the nurse in taking care of our angel.
The following 2 days of my hospital stay was filled with smiling
visitors and well-wishers and gifts from friends and colleagues. In
between pains I would spent precious time with our angel and admire him.
right from the start, I preferred to have him with me instead of sending
him to the nursery though the nurses were concerned we might not get
enough rest. It melt my heart the first time he looked at me in the eye
for a while before he change focus though I would want this much longer
and it was mid night when almost everyone was deep asleep. Though I was
too tired I managed to communicate with him thru the language of love and
this will last in my memory.
Finally I have to go home and our doctor told me that
Immanuel
cannot go home for he need photo therapy to bring down his jaundice (not
once did I allow myself to even think about leaving my angel
behind for common neo natal jaundice though I was fully aware this is
quiet common and it could happen to my angel as well). My mind went
blank for a while not knowing what to do or say and I know I cannot
argue for this is for the good of my son. Tears welled up and never seem
to stop though I tried hard to hide my emotions from everyone as I do
not want to be labeled "an emotional mother"- but I just can't help.
From then on I dare not look at him for long as the agony of going home
without him and more importantly to be separated from him was too much
for me. I remove the box of tissue and
sob myself on the cot while hubby was busy with the formalities to be
done before leaving. I have seem many mothers in this same situation and
have even consoled them saying that this is a common thing and baby will
be fine soon and have advised them to get good rest at home while their
baby will be taken care by us but this time nothing or no one will be
able to console me.
Ultimately we had to come home without Immanuel and
I feel so lost and
helpless. Day and night-every single minute I would think about him and
his lovely eyes fixed on mine that night and looked at his pictures and
will cry even more. I would love to visit him and be by his side all the
time but the fear of being seen by others and by my colleagues and of
leaving him again will be even more painful so I refused to go. I sent my
expressed milk
for him with so much love and kissed for him. Minutes seems like hours
and hours seems like days. I could not even rest with him in my mind all
the time and counting the days and hours for his home coming. My joy was
complete when the nurse called me saying Immanuel can go home and I was
restless to go to hospital and come home with him. All my pain and
tiredness seems to disappear all of a sudden. And there I was jumping
with excitement and joy at the prospect of re-uniting with my adorable
son!
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